Lara Croft: Tomb Raider- The Cradle of life. (2.5 of 5)
She-Bond II mixes one of the best cinematographers (but not directors): Jan De Bont, Best Body/Acting ability ratio for brunettes: Angelina Jolie, and the most locales since Cubby still pulled the strings at Pinewood studios. Add them all together and you get a film better than TR1 but worse than just about anything else. With the three Items listed above you should be able to hit this one out of the park. But the polish just wasn-t there. You don-t care about any characters, the special effects where in no way great (done better in most films 10 years ago) and it took almost an hour just to get interesting. All nipples aside, Angelina did great (and her makeup artist was top notch too) but she seemed to be begging to want a better movie. Probably the same exact thing said after Tomb Raider 1 rolled its credits.-Gun Fight in the lab- and-Beasties at the Cradle- were high points but all were item done better in other films. There is potential in the franchise but if you can-t hit the mark with talent like this or by episode 2, you are in for a world of perpetual mediocrity.

One day she was challenging her father on his beliefs and his opposition to taxes and welfare programs. He stopped her and asked her how she was doing in school.

She answered that she had a 4.0 GPA but it was really tough. She had to study all the time, never had time to go out and party. She didn’t have time for a boyfriend and didn’t really have many college friends because of spending all her time studying.

He asked, “How is your friend Mary.” She replied that Mary was barely getting by. She had a 2.0 GPA, never studied, but was very popular on campus, went to all the parties all the time. Why she often didn’t show up for classes because she was hung over.

Dad then asked his daughter why she didn’t go to the Dean’s office and ask why she couldn’t take 1.0 off her 4.0 and give it to her friend who only had a 2.0. That way they would both have a 3.0 GPA.

The daughter angrily fired back, “That wouldn’t be fair, I worked really hard for mine and Mary has done nothing”.

The father slowly smiled and said, “Now you understand, Welcome to the Republican Party”.

The Italian Job (3.2 of 5)
Really wanted to see this since last year when they were racing these BMW mini-s in the drainage ditch by my apartment. Deb and I originally thought it might be a commercial for the new mini, since we only saw one on the road up to that point. Once I found out it was for this movie, I was jazzed about seeing it. It was a fun but average chase flick. It still amazes me that seems so nice and pretty (Theron) can be such a horrible prima donna in real life. But anyways the highlight to this film is the running joke about Napster. The computer hacker of the film claims he invented it and it was stolen by his roommate-. what for it-Shawn Fanning-who makes a great cameo. Every time it comes up..i couldn't help but laugh more. Most of the other players were wasted, but that-s nothing new to the Transporters- Jason Statham . Camera work was good and the pacing was right on-but I was looking for something a little more thrilling-but that-s just me, I want the perfect 100 million film everytime.. Of course the fact that anti-war moron Ed Norton was in it, didn't make it any more better.

FARMER: “I wanna get me one of those dayvorces.”
LAYWER: “Do you have any grounds?”
FARMER: “Yes, I got 40 acres.”
LAYWER: “No, you don’t understand, do you have a suit?”
FARMER: “Yes I got a suit, I wears it to church on Sundays.”
LAYWER: “No, no, I mean do you have a case?”
FARMER: “No, I ain’t got no case, but I got a John Deere.”
LAYWER: “No, I mean do you have a grudge?”
FARMER: “Yes, I got a grudge, thats where I parks the John Deere.”
LAYWER: “Does your wife beat you up or something?”
FARMER: “No, we both get up at 4:30.”
LAYWER: “Is your wife a nagger?”
FARMER: “No, she’s a little white gal, but our last child was a nagger and that’s why I wants one of those dayvorces.”

Thanks Greg for this lil nugget.

An old man lived alone in Idaho. He wanted to spade his potato garden but it was very hard work. His only son, Bubba, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament…

Dear Bubba,
I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won’t be able to plant my potato garden this year. I’m just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me.
Love, Dad

A few days later he received a letter from his son…

Dear Dad,
For heaven’s sake, Dad, don’t dig up that garden. That’s where I buried the BODIES.
Love, Bubba

At 4 A.M. the next morning, F.B.I. agents and local police showed up and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son…

Dear Dad,
Go ahead and plant the potatoes now. That’s the best I could do under the circumstances
Love, Bubba

1. My Official Debt is wiped clean today. My final payment was sent to my last credit card. And as of Noon PST I am debt free (although I still owe some on my Shell gas card)
2. The sequel to the best movie in the last decade-The Matrix- comes out today. I wont get to watch due to the postponement of the movie party tomorrow that was to be the viewing…might have to wait till next week..(If I don-t go into convulsions by then)
3. Sony Pictures announced the Start of principal photography for Starship Troopers 2 here locally at Manhattan Beach Studios. Boo Ya baby…those who know me know I have true soft spot for the underrated and under seen original. Go-Motion guru Phill Tippett is at the helm and Clancy Brown (Zim in the original) is signed on to return. Bad news: it is slated for DVD release only-but I think Sony is keeping their options open. If the buzz is there…it may make it to a Digital Theater near you.
4. Last Nights Ducks-Wild game made the Anaheim Ducks look completely unstoppable-just like the 99-01 STL Rams. One win away from going to the cup baby-Had a guy here at work from New Jersey comment on my ducks jersey and say-Devils will stop my ass–I said-Cinderella lives in Anaheim, Dude, Just ask the Giants-
5. Clay and Ruben made it to the top two on American Idol. On the show last night two from American Idol 1 came back to perform and Simon was right…the top 5 last year couldn-t hold a candle to the top 10 this year. And while I love Kelly Clarkson-this years two are a quantum leap ahead of her.

First big hit if the summer (100 Million in 4 days) showed how a sequel should be done. Khan Style baby!!! Forget the character development-we know who they are-just put them in dynamic situations and let the metal fly! Bryan Singer kept the mood, the style, and the attitude and even added in Nightcrawler-a truly top-notch character. The story starts with a phantom mutant attacking the white house in one of the best attack/fights I have seen. But this mutant is under someone else control-and it-s not Magneto. And that-s why all the mutants must unite…to take on this new threat-wait for it-Wolverine-s creator!!! Good fights, God Fun, Good PG Deaths, Bad showing at the Regal in PV. For some reason the aspect cropping was way off. In the Mystique/Wolverine kissing scene I couldn-t even see her head…weird.

Japanese faire loaned to me from Jimmy, my Korean Cinema contact. This is a low budget version of THE TERMINATOR meets E.T meets 12 Monkeys. While the effects were fun, and the Bullet-Time scenes reminded me of TRANCERS II (1991), it still worked well. The director tried to mix John woo style fights but they came off looking like-Better Tomorrow- Woo instead of-Hard Boiled- Woo. It was still a good time but the bad guy-s over the top performance made that facet of the film more irritating than fun. The Story follows a young woman in who in an effort to stop the impending apocalyptic war-travels back in time to 2002. In an effort to find the crash-landed alien that started the war, she befriends a super-cool spy that-s chasing a notorious gangster. Once the Gangster finds out about the alien, the returner and the spy must joins forces to get to the alien first.

“THE” Big Chinese flick of the new century. Nominated for an Academy Award for foreign language film (lost). The film draws a lot of its interest from the Sony media blitz that was Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon. And while the scale of the film is 10 times that of CTHD, the action and overall fascination falls short of the Ang Lee film. It tells the legend of an assassin sent to kill other assassins sent after his king, a king trying to unite china. It-s big, it-s grand, and almost none of the fights are full speed. Cool at some times, and just plain monotonous at others. Visuals seemed more important than the pace and story. It is a good legend, and was the defining moment in the unification of china and the domination of the Qin dynasty (The ones who built the wall). The one thing that pulses through both films is the overall tragic feel of all the situations…and the lack of blood. Saw this on DVD. Loaner DVD from Jimmy.

Surprisingly good story executed in a sub-par way. The story telling need some cleaning. The premise is very M. Night (SIGNS), and while the bombshell happens a bit sooner than most films, the-Hold your breath- moment never happens. Spoilers Coming so stop reading if you are going to see it——..The story plays like a ensemble version of the Bates Motel, methodical showing how each of the characters timelines intertwine. Well done on that part. Then we see people start dying, and we follow John Cusack as he tries to figure it out. But all the characters turn out to be the split personalities of a mass murder going through a special therapy. The therapy forces all the personalities to kill each other off so that, hopefully, the purest and kindest personality is the one that-s left–..kind of cool huh? Well the filmmakers hopped narrative about 10 times and made the investigations more of a mess than a timeline. So by the time the revelations happened, you really didn-t care anymore.

On our trip down to SD last weekend Deb found her wedding dress and bought it. I have not seen and would like to wait for wedding day for that. Finally finished the Hottiehouse.com website and video box design. Launch is Friday but if you want a sneak peek. Still have the Wedding Dj-s site, Altivo-s revamp and a new film conversion project coming in July. I might just hit my money target for the wedding/honeymoon. And to bring in more money, I have decided to roll over my lease compensation into my paycheck. And instead of a lease, I am going to use my 401K loan to get a used Toyota Previa (always liked those). That will leave me with no debt and my payments and interest will just be going back to myself-cool.
Started work on the WEDDING section of the site. It-s a work in progress. Registries are up, but the calendar of events,-save-the-date- poster and online RSVP system are not yet running.
4:20 count is at 50, and I added a new TATTOO gallery (password protected)

Thank you……and good night!!

On the war: It-s over. Excellent job boys-Semper Fi. And Captain Dale Dye, thank you for being part of the home front. Your analysis blew the doors off every other armchair general I saw. Thank you Ollie North, for being one of the only embeds with an understanding of the big picture. And while there is a long way to go, the proven experiment with Japan is going to turn the Iraqi nation into a thriving entity of the Arab world. It took 8 years after Hiroshima for the US to make Japan a thriving economy. If it weren-t for us, I wouldn-t be typing this on my LX-800, or watching DVD-s or LD-s. Russia and Britain had the task of rebuilding Europe after WWII and they are still working on it. There is a solid reason to keep the UN out of the rebuilding. My other belief that this puzzle piece will cause a ripple effect to end terrorism seems to be working as well. The-toothless tiger- tag put on the United States since the Korean conflict, including unfinished business in Vietnam, Somalia, Beirut, Kosovo, 1991 Gulf (but that-s not on the list anymore…he he) , has been removed. The once uppity Syria and North Korea have suddenly flipped sides and become very diplomatic in the last week. Now if we can figure out a way to give the Kurds, Palestinians and the Kashmir residents their own countries…all this will be over!! And there is only ONE country who can do it- Estados Unidos-.Chica!
And thank you Americans for showing one of the great Amish traditions: Shunning. Maines, Robbins, Sarandon, Norton and the others are in for a tough couple of years. By the way weren-t some of you supposed to leave the country or crawl across glass or publicly apologize if the Iraqi people accepted us? …That-s ok-no need.

On Movies: The summer trailers are starting to popup. And while the new T3 trailer hasn-t made my pulse race up. The new MATRIX: RELOADED, CHARLIES ANGELS, THE ITALIAN JOB and PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN defiantly got me racing. The old standbys from the Superbowl; HULK, KILL BILL and BAD BOYS II need a fresh infusion in the next couple weeks.

On the Wedding: Deb and I-s initial quick start has slowed down. Locations, Minister, Wedding Party, Registration, DJ, Men-s Tuxedos and Favors have all been secured. The website and-Save the Date- designs should be done by Monday. Deb has done a few experiments with the flowers and feels she is close to what we are going to do. All extra money has been going to paying off all remaining debt by May, so the ring creation, photo, video , honeymoon bookings and invitations are waiting till then.

On my Work: It-s starting to turn around, The Goldmine fiascos are clearing up and we are getting to a state of normalcy. My car lease is coming up and I have to deicide the best way to handle it. A new lease keeps me where I am. But buying a used car frees up a lot more money for the wedding and a house. Still running all the numbers and I have til the end of June to deciede.

There you are-.all caught up,

A large group of Iraqi soldiers are moving down a road when they hear a voice call from behind a sand dune. “One American Marine is better than ten Iraqi soldiers”.
The Iraqi commander quickly sends 10 of his best soldiers over the dune whereupon a gun-battle breaks out and continues for a few minutes, then silence. The voice then calls : “One American Marine is better than one hundred Iraqi soldiers”. Furious, the Iraqi commander sends his best 100 troops over the dune and instantly a huge gunfight commences. After 10 minutes of battle, again, silence. The American voice calls out again “One American Marine is better than one thousand Iraqi soldiers”.
The enraged Iraqi Commander musters one thousand fighters and sends them across the dune. Cannon, rocket and machine gun fire ring out as a huge battle is fought, then silence. Eventually one wounded Iraqi fighter crawls back over the dune and with his dying words tells his commander: “Don’t send any more men, its a trap. There are two of them!”
Thanks Greg Roper for that one.

The best of the weekend-Hands Down, a hugely overlooked film last year. One of my top ten writer/directors David Twohy (Pitch Black, Arrival) takes a run at U571/Das Boot and turns in the best of the bunch. Wolfgang-s great Das Boot was a wonderful film, but BELOW tightens it up with some of the best tension and cinematography I have ever seen. Every shot is a work of art, and the DVD has the clearest images I have seen-period! The film is a ghost-on-a-boat movie but the background actions and situations float (he he) it into the action/horror genre as well. The CG work is top notch, and if you listen to director-s commentary you-ll see he is rather giddy about them as well. Miramax is for better-than-average Indie films not this. This is a top notch-B- for the likes of New Line or the new and improved Sony. Twohy seems to have found his signature shot: large evil displayed in the darkness with a flash of light. (PITCH BLACK’s aliens seen with a burst flame and BELOW’s devil rays). Side note to Twohy-if you put the deleted scenes back in the film-you would have gotten a 4.5-the-Hot Fish- scene was better than most that you left in.

One of those films I would have walked out of if I had paid for it. Demme has a knack of making characters quirkier than they need to be, many times leading us in the wrong direction or destroying the narrative. This movie falls under: ‘Indie with a budget’, cause the stars have to fight for lines that make sense. I did not see Charade, but I have to believe that something this jointed and messy could not have been released in 1964. Demme took one of the best cinematographers in the industry and gave him 5 shots in the whole film, everything else was hand held. And a horrible hand held at that. When the bad filmmaking takes over the story and characters, disaster is not far behind. This was a DVD rental (haven’t rent in quite a while) and my controlled home theater could not control the suck. Side Note: Certainly a red mark in the career of one of the only female composers in the industry, Rachel how can you claim such an awful score.

A few more laughs than I expected, (most politically liberal movies make me cringe) but this silly romp with its literal translations of rock-s mind, hits the mark. Super Whore training camp was pure genius. The film played more like a good Living Color skit. And Bernie Mac-s comedic violence kept the film going as it was running out of steam. On a side note the opening credits were a great idea that I am amazed has never been done before. Worth a matinee despite the worthless supporting staff, the dancing socialites got more laughs than anyone with speaking parts. Politically you knew where everyone was coming from even though they never mention parties on either side. If they had made both sides fight for the democratic nomination instead for president, it would have worked better. Rock-s direction is not too heavy handed, but doesn't offer anything new either.