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Jack Bauer’ tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried. Ever.

Jack Bauer does not sleep. He waits.

Jack Bauer is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

The chief export of Jack Bauer is pain.

If you can see Jack Bauer, he can see you. If you can’t see Jack Bauer, you may be only seconds away from death.

Jack Bauer has counted to infinity. Twice.

Jack Bauer does not hunt because the word hunting implies the probability of failure. Jack Bauer goes killing.

Jack Bauer’ blood type is AK+. Ass -Kicking Positive. It is compatible only with heavy construction equipment, tanks, and fighter jets.

Jack Bauer is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate a fucking Indian.

Crop circles are Jack Bauer’ way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie down.

The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Jack Bauer out. It failed miserably.

Most people have 23 pairs of chromosomes. Jack Bauer has 72… and they’re all poisonous.

If you ask Jack Bauer what time it is, he always says, “Two seconds ’til.” After you ask, “Two seconds ’til what?” he roundhouse kicks you in the face.

When Jack Bauer sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Jack Bauer has not had to pay taxes, ever.

The quickest way to a man’s heart is with Jack Bauer’ fist.

Jack Bauer invented Kentucky Fried Chicken’s famous secret recipe, with eleven herbs and spices. But nobody ever mentions the twelfth ingredient: Fear.

CNN was originally created as the “Jack Bauer Network” to update Americans with on-the-spot ass kicking in real-time.

Jack Bauer can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves.

There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Jack Bauer allows to live.

What was going through the minds of all of Jack Bauer’ victims before they died? His shoe.

Jack Bauer is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.

Police label anyone attacking Jack Bauer as a Code 45-11…. a suicide.

Jack Bauer doesn’t wash his clothes, he disembowels them.

A Handicapped parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Jack Bauer and that you will be handicapped if you park there.

Jack Bauer will attain statehood in 2009. His state flower will be the Magnolia.

If you spell Jack Bauer in Scrabble, you win. Forever.

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool Jack Bauer once and he will mess you up.

The opening scene of the movie “Saving Private Ryan” is loosely based on games of dodge ball Jack Bauer played in second grade.

Jack Bauer has two speeds: Walk and Kill.

Jack Bauer is not hung like a horse… horses are hung like Jack Bauer.

Faster than a speeding bullet … more powerful than a locomotive … able to leap tall buildings in a single bound… yes, these are some of Jack Bauer’s warm-up exercises.

Jack Bauer can hit you so hard that he can actually alter your DNA. Decades from now your descendants will occasionally clutch their heads and yell “What The Heck was That?”

Time waits for no man. Unless that man is Jack Bauer.

Jack Bauer doesn’t shower, he only takes blood baths.

In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Jack Bauer could use to kill you, including the room itself.

Jack Bauer was not addicted to Heroin’¦Heroin was addicted to Jack Bauer.

Happy Viewing’¦.

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