What a wonderful year it was, as the horrible leadership of the Democratic Party continued their death march to oblivion. Not that I don’t like watching Rome fall (the 49er fall of the 90’s has brought me true glee for a decade) but come on Demo’s in the old days you weren’t that far off’¦what happened. You got the green party and libertarians thinking they have a chance now. And to the Regan and 9/11 democrats’¦thanks for keeping the faith (oh damn’¦.did I say faith?)
Top Three Events:
‘˜W’™ Sworn in’¦..again.
Two Iraqi Elections (boy’¦ did that second one shut a lot of people up)
Tookie Williams takes a dirt nap. (Take that Kwanza parade)
JANUARY
RE-swearing in our president. And his vow to continue to attempt large words.
We lost a true legend of laugh , Johnny Carson’¦and 5 ex-wives that now to fend for themselves.
The Valerie Plame Game continues’¦..it should wrap up when Condi gets sworn in 2008
10 Hippies killed in a mudslide in La Conchita’¦.President Bush is blamed. A dejected mother nature decides to save up for August.
Howard Dean becomes chairman of the DNC’¦Green party rejoices.
FEBRUARY
In an attempt to remain the world’s bad guy’¦Syria blows up the wrong Lebanese Hero’¦now Lebanon is Syrian-Free
Patriots win 3rd straight super bowl over the Eagles’¦’™ditto heads everywhere smile’™
MARCH
Robert ‘œI left it in the booth’™ Blake is found not guilty.
Martha ‘œFBI most wanted’ Stewart is released from prison (now lets make a failed tv show)
Dan Rather steps down from CBS News’¦late as usual as network news stepped down from reporting the truth in 2000
Tiger Woods finally recovers from the honeymoon with the hot white model wife…and takes his 4th masters.
Terri ‘œwill smile for food’ Schiavo finally succumbs to her 15 year battle with pumps’¦but as the family goes outside to report her death’¦.all the media left’¦because:
APRIL
Pope John Paul loses his ability to breathe’¦but still was able to authorize 3 more transfers from the Boston Archdiocese .
Prince Charles becomes his life long dream (insert tampon joke here) and marries his first choice Camilla.
My favorite dancing monkey of the year: Jennifer Wilbanks hits the headlines when she decides to sow the oats before marring her Nerd husband’¦nationwide manhunt ensues.
MAY
Cruise gets bouncy (wait ‘¦was that too glib?)
Lucas closes out (although most think he did that with ‘˜Howard the duck’™’¦P.S. I liked ALL 6)
Newsweek Magazine murders 300 (false story causes riot)
Deep Throat comes clean’¦.ewww
JUNE
MJ doesn’t diddle kids’¦..well’¦at least 12 of us California’s think so’¦.and you know ‘˜minority rules’™ in this state. What minority are you?
High school hottie Natalee ‘˜I’™m a good girl’¦.really’ Holloway doesn’t come home from boinking a Dutch dude in Aruba’¦What happens in Aruba stays in Aruba’¦I guess.
Hurricane Season starts’¦.but it should be a mild one.
JULY
Islamofascists blow up some Brits. The ‘˜Stiff upper lip’™ persona gets reinforced when Londoners return to work the next day. There is a reason they are our allies’¦they rock!
France surrenders again’¦..To Lance (p.s. Lance can you make those yellow bands a little bigger please’¦thank you)
Another Harry Potter Book’¦.sweet!
NASA heads back to Space’¦.Thank God’¦.wait’¦why are we there again?
AUGUST
Cindy ‘˜I don’t get enough attention’™ Sheehan starts her ‘˜I want Bush’™ vigil and the cast of the L-Word show up for support.
In an attempt to beat our ‘˜Lizard Tail Jerky’™ technology South Korea enters into the regenerating food source competition by cloning a dog’¦Snuffy (sounds delicious)
Pat Robertson states on his Christian Broadcasting Network show that the U.S. should assassinate Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez’¦you go Pat’¦nothing like picking another fight while we are still in one.
That violent bitch Katrina takes down the big easy and violates a few laws by making all the floating Casinos’¦not float anymore.
We also find out that Mother Nature is apparently a republican’¦.although she continually denies it.
The Zionist clear out of Gaza Strip (no band-aid jokes Jeff’¦.I mean it!!) Palestinians shocked as something goes their way.
BTK killer sentenced to life’¦.that’s one Whopper of a story’¦.yea’¦you heard me.
Peter Jennings Dies at 67’¦.and signals the end of a first: Every network news anchor was replaced this year.
SEPTEMBER
Justice William ‘˜One more Session’™ Rehnquist lowers his gavel for the last time’¦luckily someone was already in the pipeline’¦and John Roberts goes from freshman to Leader of the Fraternity.
Here comes Rita’¦..more powerful’¦.more deadly’¦but makes the mistake of attacking a red state’¦.basically just cleans the streets a bit.
I get to celebrate my birthday with Britney Spears spawn’¦yeah
OCTOBER
Strange twist of the year: Bush Nominates Harriet Miers’¦.I think it was Bush’s attempt to help the newspapers get back some of the 35 million pissed off readers they lost this year.
Majority Leader Tom delay gets indicted’¦.Democrats cheer’¦but they don’t understand the charges either.
Saddam Trial starts’¦but his request for a change of venue is denied because no one knows where ‘œbeyond the sun’ is.
We lose our 2000th Hero in Iraq’¦..On a side note’¦Iraq is Free’¦The World Hates Iran’¦and Globalization will soon be at hand. (And you were all here to see it’¦lucky you)
Rosa Parks passed away’¦Keanu Reeves and Sandra Bullock both thanked her for their careers.
Hurricane Wilma hits Florida’¦.services restored in two days’¦strangely enough’¦Floridians were ready for it’¦go figure.
White Sox end there 88 year dry spell’¦take that Boston!!!
NOVEMBER
Xbox 360 arrives just in time for Christmas’¦..all 9 of them.
Mike ‘˜did nothing wrong’™ Brown resigns’¦.showing once again that Republicans are the only ones willing to take the blame for something’¦even if they didn’t do it.
In an attempt to kill the infidels’¦Islamofascists blow up a Muslim wedding in Jordan’¦Whoops.
Muslim confusion moves to France where 14 days of youth rioting only kill one person’¦don’t worry Los Angeles’¦your record is safe.
Scooter Libby is indicted for having a stupid name and running the Muppet show into the ground’¦.that is what it says’¦I swear.
California’s Special Election showed that ‘¦well’¦the voters in California are ‘˜Special’™
DECEMEBER
Democrat John ‘˜off his meds’™ Muthra demands all the troops be withdrawn from Iraq’¦Republicans say lets vote’¦ Muthra then chooses ‘˜undecided’™ and sits back down.
After Years of tension’¦a Federal Air Marshal finally gets to cap an uppity passenger.
Bush Wins the Heisman.
Nick Lachey and Jessica Simpson filed for divorce’¦cute singing spawn cancelled.
Tookie Williams despite an impressive PR push’¦dropped his green dew rag to the floor.
The 1972 Dolphins make it thru another attempt at the undefeated season’¦Thank those Chargers when you have a chance.
Avian Flu, the second shipment of Xbox 360’s, and Paris Hiltons new sex video decide to hold off arriving until next year.
And to close out’¦.For the second time in one year 15 million free people are running around with purple fingers.
Movie of the Year: Batman Begins
Movie line that hit me the best this year:
I don’t believe in religion’¦it is designed to separate us’¦.faith is what brings people together. ‘“’œFlight of the Phoenix’
A few words from my fellow California’s….SHUT UP AND GET BACK TO WORK!! (actors included)
Last word:I filled up today’¦.$1.99 a gallon. (Anwar drilling would take it down to $1.25’¦.who’s in?)
Have a good year all’¦I’™m well on my way.